Staff Editorial Columnist
Scott Wittington (pronounced dill-ing-ham) completed his Dead Pocket Application Essay Exam with a perfect score. That’s never been done before. We at Dead Pocket Station were so taken aback that we briefly considered him a deity (or a robot) of some sort. After a vote and a collective sigh, we agreed that he was not a deity (or a robot), but simply an ordinary (albeit a very intelligent) human.
So, we offered him a position at the Dead Pocket Station. We were all completely surprised when he accepted (with a laundry list of terms) having convinced ourselves that his refusal was certain. We agreed to his terms sight-unseen hoping that he would propel the Dead Pocket Station into a heretofore unattainable class of legitimacy, having outwitted us on the Dead Pocket Admittance Deterrent Pop Quiz.
Scott joins the Dead Pocket Station as the Staff Editorial Columnist. We hope agreeing to his terms (which we still haven’t read, but which we’ve filed) was not a hasty, short-sighted mistake.
While his background seems the run-of-the-mill success story, the subtleties of his life provide the occasional obligatory plot twists and hair-pin turns indicative of a life lived near the edge, including enough rich material for a made-for-TV miniseries starring Scott Baio. We pulled from between the pages of his autobiography these fascinating aspects of his life: Scott has run marathons on every continent in the northern hemisphere, he has been secretly employed by at least three major world governments in the development of advanced artificial intelligence, he has held several very important-sounding positions relative to some advanced real-time server-side information-transmutation technology, he is a highly-sought-after dodgeball MVP, he has counted to infinity seventeen times, he watched all the Planet of the Apes movies, he holds six advanced degrees including an honorary PhD in theoretical zombification, he competes in freestyle rap street competitions, and he claims to never have sharpened a pencil with anything other than his bare hands.
Scott’s writing credentials include having written for Headhunter Weekly, Sail-Boating Digest, Horse and Saddle, WeAreInsomniacsUnited.com, Freestyle Living Magazine, Serious Sciences Monthly, and Harold Crusted’s Website.
Scott has also been initiated into the secret Dead Pocket Society with the rank of First Position Class C Servo-Automaton.