Over the years, we’ve tried to assemble an accurate historical account of Alex Turk. It seems A. Turk is something of a mystery. A shadow. A vapor that exists only between the poles of stark reality and veiled perception. A myth.
All that is known of his origins can be found in a dusty ledger in the Pittsburgh, MO, Municipal Library. On the top shelf of the row labeled “U for Useless”, you’ll find a leather-bound volume with three words embossed on the cover: “DON’T EAT THIS.”
The ledger contains very little on Alexander Crowdaveer Vulturatine Turk III, only printing that he was born to immigrant parents, that he enjoyed the comic Garfield as a child, and that he once ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from the plastic foods aisle at Piggly Wiggly.
A. Turk co-founded the Dead Pocket Station in 1997 while on sabbatical from his post as Minister Of Cotton Garments for Bishop Oliver Van Pebbles in Mount Vertical, WA. He became acquainted with pop-culture hairdresser and part-time poet, Kurt Axelron. The two formed the now-famous Dead Pocket Society, which (years later) spawned The Dead Pocket Station. During his time at the helm of DPS, A. Turk has disappeared for great amounts of time so often that most of us began to question whether he actually existed. It seems a great number of our readers have speculated that he might, indeed, be an alter-ego of Kurt Axelron. With this mysterious background, it is no wonder A. Turk has been removed from his post thirty-three times, seventeen of those by threat of violence. We can’t get him out. He’s like that lingering smell after you microwave a bag of popcorn.
This is allegedly the only photo of A. Turk (AKA Alex Turk) in existence. This image is taken from an FBI case file labelled "A. Turk - Myth". No one can be sure that this photo is actually A. Turk.
