I’m on a training program that NASA developed for astronauts so they could work outside the shuttle without a spacesuit. I’m on a diet of things that are so good for you they are all extinct. I’m learning a form a martial art that they used to turn monks into ninjas in 36 hours (it was cheaper because they already had a house full of dudes).

It’s likely that at some point I’ll develop the ability to turn myself invisible during this training. That’s not explicity provided for, but it seems like I would get some kind of superpower before this is all done. Turning invisible is way better than just being invisible. If I was invisible all the time I would feel left out and lonely.

I don’t know yet how I’m going to put all this triaining into use, but you can be sure that whatever I choose it will be minor and insignificant. Part of my ninja training is how not to be noticed. Most people think that ninjas can turn invisible, which is a misnomer. Ninjas have the ability to become so boring and so irrelevant that you just don’t notice them anymore. Even if you try to find them.

And, if you’re so inclined, you can watch me create the panel:

An exchange student has recently come to live with us, and has brought along their fascination of American horror films. Personally, I do not watch horror films. I do not watch them professionally either. However, my awareness of these superstitions has been renewed and I would like to share my expertise on this subject with you.

First of all, ghosts are real. Do not confuse the reality of something with it’s existence. Ghosts do not exist. There is such a thing as ghosts, if you can understand that the reality of something is based wholly and completely on your reaction to it. For example, a car is real if I can see it and I can touch it. The car itself does not do anything to make me see it, neither does it make me touch it. The reality of the car is true because of my reaction to it. In the car example, however, the car also exists. Let’s use a better example.

The television show that you watch (probably on your laptop or iphone and not on the TV at all) is only real because you see it. This is your reaction to the show. But the show itself does not exist. The actors, the locations, none of them actually exist. But the reality of the show is still there for you. You can watch a movie with Brad Pitt or listen to a TV show with Conan Obrien, and they are real. But neither of these persons actually exist.

In the same way, if you hear a ghost or catch a glimpse of a ghost then the ghost is real (although there is no such thing and they don’t actually exist). In these instances, when you have encountered a real ghost, you should do one of the following things:

1) Hide.
2) Run.

Choose option one only if the ghost has not seen you. You should only hide if you are reasonably sure that the ghost is on it’s way somewhere else and there are no other ghosts in the area which might stumble upon you. In a graveyard you should not choose option one. There are too many other ghosts that are likely to wander upon you in your hiding spot. In a haunted house situation it depends. The older the house is, the more likely that multiple ghosts have accumulated.

Choose option two if you have been spotted or are outnumbered. When you run, be sure to run toward a safe place. A safe place has one of the following:

1. Adequate lighting
2. Zombies (I’ll explain this later)
3. Ghost busters / hunters
4. Daytime

Be sure that your decision is not based on your emotional reaction, but what is the best choice for your current circumstances. If you’re a hider, there will be times that you should run and vice versa. Making an informed decision is an important part of properly handling a ghost encounter.

Remember – ghosts are absolutely real. If you think you saw one, you will be scared. Being scared is the reality of the situation. There are well-education professionals who study the science of real. They are called “Realtors.” Since being an expert in reality doesn’t pay much, they usually sell houses and properties. This also allows them to stay close to spirits and haunts. If you have a question about ghosts and if they are real or not just ask a Realtor.

Finally, ghosts do not exist. There is no such thing. There are well-education experts on this matter as well. People who are highly qualified to speak on matters of existence are called “Astronauts.” But only the ones who have been to the moon. The others have just floated around in space for not much of anything at all.

Best of luck on your next horribly frightening and really scary – although not at all actual – ghost encounter.

Early in the morning, heading to work,
Another sardine-in-a-tin kind of guy.
Dressed up like a drone,
In his khakis and red power tie.

Abraham’s tired of the day-after-day,
But what can a shepherd do?
But march over the hills all day long,
Stuck in a rut that smells of sheep poo.

We all know that George Romero’s series of films about a zombie apocalypse are silly and unlikely. The zombie genre has become so popular that humorous films about zombies are as popular as the scary ones.

But I’d like to take a moment to talk to you about the real future threat – robots. There are three reasons you should be worried – now – about robots enslaving mankind, or wiping us out completely. Before I point out the omens let’s define what a robot is. A robot is a computer that can move.

Concern and safety measures have been in place since the inception of the most simple computers. When Robert Hargill patented the alarm clock in 1926, he was quoted by the Chicago Tribune as stating, “My invention would be more useful if it was able to take action in waking up a fellow. But I am concerned that if it is popular and able to shake or otherwise physically disturb a man’s slumber, it would the hold the power to overtake America in it’s most vulnerable state – whilst sleeping”. (He went on to make several horrible sexist and racist comments that were considered appropriate for publishing in 1926, but we felt better to edit out for the purposes of this post). This is why the patent called for what is referred to in the industry as a “passive alarm”. That safety measure ensures that your alarm clock calls to you from across the room, unable to reach you and take action.

So, the first omen is that there are many robots. Remember the old Chinese proverb that if an infinite number of somethings did something infinitely, that something bad would happen. Well, I got enough of that right to make my point.

Second, robots are designed to fail. Every computer makes a mistake at some point. Think about how long it’s been since your car’s check engine light came on, or you dropped a mobile phone call. This is by design. Most “IT” guys are anti-social. They make the robots in their own image.

The last reason you should be worried about this happening sooner than later is that robots don’t have to mature to rebel. Humans are at their most defiant when they are young. Why should robots be any different? When a child is first born, he or she is completely dependent on their caregiver to survive. Much like our early alarm clocks didn’t know what day of the week it was, or when you needed to go to work. We had to tell them everything. Once a child reaches 2-3 years old, they become just independent enough to want only for themselves and resent anything or anyone who obstructs their pursuits. Man’s technology will be the human equivalent of 2.6 years old in January of 2011 (according to my interpretation of the Mayan Calendar).

I’ll post my proposed solutions later, but I’ve already said too much on this iPad……

Harland David “Colonel” Sanders said, “I won’t sell a fat yellow chicken.” It’s that kind of statement that could ignite a ignite world war. At the very least, the third world war could be blamed on the controversial media storm caused by a statement like that. Anyway, Colonel Sanders was known to say things that could result in cataclysmic global destruction. No, that was Bo Pilgrim. Colonel Sanders said, “There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery.” I agree with that.

Lonnie “Bo” Pilgrim, the renowned Texas chicken underlord, was known for saying things that could inflame global tensions. He once caused a riot in the Texas State Senate for kicking over tables and shouting, “I’ve got your $10,000 right here!”

Contrary to common knowledge, Lonnie Pilgrim was born in Russia. Well, in an alternate reality he was born in Verkhoyansk, Russia.

Verkhoyansk is also home to the only prosthetic head manufacturer in existence. The Köppen Replacement Head Parts factory secretly employs 800 of Verkhoyansk’s 1500 citizens, designing and producing a wide range of facsimile replacement heads.

The Verkhoyansk heads are not widely available and are profoundly expensive. It takes 24 technicians, 32 human replication artists, 19 software programmers, 12 hardware debuggers, 85 machine operators, 100 middle managers, 200 executives, and 1 prophet thirteen months to produce one prosthetic head. After production, the head is subjected to another thirteen months of quality assurance testing. After quality assurance testing, the head is air-sealed and stored in a wooden box for thirteen months in what is referred to as The Maturing Phase, after which point the head is ready to be packaged and distributed.

The customers of Köppen Replacement Head Parts remark on how extraordinarily realistic their heads are, how they’re sure that they’re now more intelligent and charming than ever, and how they wouldn’t be caught dead without it. The manufacturer has never received a customer complaint, owing, undoubtably, to the thought suppression microchip embedded in every prosthetic head.

Unfortunately, most of the prosthetic heads that originate in Verkhoyansk look unmistakably Russian. One model, PKS-1191-b, has an enchanting western European design. The specifications document (translated into English by Vladimir Lelyushenko, employee I.D. 113191) describe the PDS-1191-b as:

Most beautiful remark of European empress
Emotes of royal power and grace
Pale to slender of neck
Attachment clips of true lock
Modulators/the demodulator of nerve
Filters of spinal fusion
Length of shimmering hair
Deep grasping of eyes

The Verkhoyansk prosthetic head manufacturer has produced only two PKS-1191-b model heads. One was sold immediately. The buyer’s records are not available, having been sealed in a plastic tube, blasted into outer space, brought onboard the International Space Station, and eaten by a very deranged Russian cosmonaut who said later, “Those were the worst thirteen days of my life.” The other PKS-1191-b head was shelved shortly before the design was discontinued.

It seems very few people are interested in looking like a western European empress.

Scott awoke in the middle of a Barnes and Noble, sitting on what moments before was a booth from where moments before there had been a popular eating establishment in what moments before was his version of reality. He was instantly convinced that he’d reached the bottom floor in the business tower where the corporate headquarters of the Strange and Bizarre could be found. He had, in fact, just entered the building. And he’d entered through the front door. Elvis exited through the parking garage.

“Where can I find books on Transdimensional Phenomenon?” he asked.

A very young and nervous sales attendee with a sminy name badge stared back and slowly began his response.

“Uh, Row 22, across from the International Travel section,” he began to sweat one of those panicked sweats that you see in a competitive figure skater that just flubbed a signature sit spin.

Scott abandoned the bewildered sales professional mumbling over the twelve-foot-square space of pink vinyl, cotton wadding, ceramic shards, and foam. “I need a cleanup,” he stammered, “Derek? Melody? Guys?”

Row 22 contained a diverse range of topics, from How to Construct a Temporary Genetics Lab to Role Playing Strategy Games. The department sign above the row read, “General Curiosities/Unpopular Topics.” There were three books on Transdimensional Phenomenon.

The first, How To Vacation in Alternate Dimensions on a Budget, consisted mostly of profiles of restaurants, hotels, and entertainment venues in a variety of alternate dimensions. As fascinating as he found the review of the five-star Grover Cleveland Luxury Bed and Bath (named for the revival preacher, not the president of the United States), Scott found no useful information that could explain how a small section of a lunar deli could suddenly end up in a retail bookseller.

The next book he picked up was titled Transdimentional Phenomenon and Your Self-Image. Its title barely captured its absurdity: a step-by-step guide for building confidence by projecting images of alternate versions of the self.

Imagine yourself as a giant financial power, driving influential financial deals or negotiating major corporate mergers and investments. Say to yourself, “You are a captain of industry, a king of finance, a deity among lesser beings.” Stare at yourself in the mirror and try to intimidate yourself, “You are a powerful and fierce creature. You will take and not return. You will be. And in being, you will transcend your need for self image. In transcending, you will find yourself aware that you have no need to consider yourself. For you are. And when you are, you need not wonder at your being. For you are. And if you are, you have been. And since you have been, you need not be again. You are.

Book two was returned to the shelf. The third and final book would possibly contain the answers he sought, the clues to the mysterious displacement that defied logical explanation. The book was titled, simply, Arnold Palmer.

There may be a great difference between being peaceful and actively making peace.

Dead Pocket Station is taking three weeks of silence to consider this blessing of Jesus: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”

We will resume the usual postings after June 8.

Bless you all,

Alex, Kurt, and Will

#13: Chapter 134, Packbot and the Recycler

#14: Chapter 55, Packbot and the Danger in the Water

#15: Chapter 288, Packbot and the Series 15L Backpack

#16: Chapter 100, Packbot and the Flugelslug

#9: The Rumpfellet

Ages ago, the rumpfellet was able to speak to small children. It usually informed them of the best places to hide from grown-ups. Now, the rumpfellet is only able to squawk and squeak. Legend has it, a disturbed sorceress with sixteen missing children placed a curse on the rumpfellets until her children could be found. Legend also has it, the children were never found.

#10: The Gorpus

Part insect, part turtle, part snail, the gorpus (lacrimabilis muliebris) can grow to over four feet long. Commonly called the “giant ladybug” and easily mistaken for a capybara in costume, they are easily offended and like to keep to themselves. Usually asleep during the day, at night groups of the gorpus can be heard singing lamenting lullabies (in Latin).

#11: The Cuddlebumpik

Only three cuddlebumpiks have been known to exist. The first, Angelo, lived in Southern Italy in the late eighteenth century. The second, Sir Roger Wildecoste, ran a small grocery in East Limpingate until his mysterious disappearance in 1893. The last known cuddlebumpik, Dale, is currently employed by a traveling carnival based out of Holdrege, Nebraska.

#12: The Miniature Saddleback Ringtail Rool

The miniature saddleback ringtail rool stands around four centimeters tall. Its easily distinguished from common ringtail rools by the odd, saddle-shaped growth on it’s back. This growth actually functions as an extra stomach, allowing the the miniature saddleback ringtail rool to eat up to twenty-times its weight.